Confession of a Northern Baron! I was forced to watch Eastenders!

Real Cockneys!

Real Cockneys!

I write this article by way of a full confession. I can not keep this vile, terrible secret any more, the burden of which is crushing my ever so gay Mancunian whippet heart. I was forced to watch Eastenders last night by my wife and daughter! Oh the shame of it! May God have mercy upon my soul. I confess!

I asked Holly (daughter) to get me up to speed on what this was all about?  “Ssssshhh! Dad don’t start goggle boxing!”

At first I resisted the mock Cockney allure, screwing my eyes tightly shut while stuffing tissues into my ears. It would do me no good. The fictitious setting of “Albert Square, Walford, London” has ways of forcing you to watch. The whining voice of Alfie Moon and all and sundry get through in the end.  Holly informed me that; “Alfie who used to run a pub but now runs a stall outside the pub (Queen Vic’) across from a stall that his wife & ex-landlady, whose baby (Tommy, no relation to Cooper) died but really didn’t die but was swapped for a baby that had died by his cousin, Ronnie, whose baby did die who eventually got caught and went to prison then was released and killed Carl who tried to rape/murder her in Phil’s’ garage whose body she had crushed in a car crusher is now having a baby and has left Walford getting picked up in a taxi driven by? Alfie whose moonlighting to make some extra cash for Kat whose having a baby!” Phew! Gripping stuff! Kat went into labour  then realised it was as Alfie said, “Probably just wind Kat” ” If you can decipher that a job at GCHQ beckons!

But that’s not all, Phil, tough guy, Mitchell  who has a penchant for crack cocaine, booze, aging slags and  violence with the odd murder or three thrown in for good measure (whenever the ratings are falling) seems to be one of the main characters and what a character he is! An ex-crack head, gangster, former pub owning, garage owner, nightclub owning entrepreneur. Phil’s fingers are every where. Currently residing in Sharon’s’ knickers who he’s just had beaten up and robbed because ?????? That’s showbiz!

I made some hasty investigations into tonight’s episode. Spoiler Alert. It’s the day of Dean’s (Shirley’s long lost son, whose been in the show about 4 weeks and managed to get a salon up and running!) salon opening and the Carters continue to support him with the venture. However, Shirley, Phil’s ex-rough arse bird, is distracted now that she is in desperate need of cash. She tries to reason with Phil, but he isn’t having any of it.

Later, when Dean’s big day is a huge success, Shirley is forced to make a heart-breaking plan. While giving her son a hug, Shirley reaches into his back pocket and takes the key to the cash till. That evening, Shirley sneaks into the salon to steal the money – but Dean catches her…

At the same time, Sharon has realised that the gun hidden (Not very well) in a plastic Netto bag left casually lying on the table was Ronnie’s – but she has decided to keep hold of it rather than confronting Phil.  Not to worry maybe she’ll use it to kill off Danny Dyer and what an apt surname that is. Danny has been a silly boy and agreed to take part in a charity swimathon because Billy (Village idiot) can’t swim. The problem is that Danny ‘Dire’ or Mick Landlord of? Queen Vic’, can’t swim either! Oh what a lad! Mick’s fears get the better of him when he tries to overcome his phobia. We see him in his togs trying to jump into a pool, he can’t jump in because when he was a baby his sister, Shirley, who steals her sons Deans money, who turned out to be his mom tried to drown him. Mick has got a mental phobia. Poor Mick or is it Danny? Anyway the plot is gripping! Real Cockney life or is it fantasy?

The plot/story revolves around a microcosm of Cockney life in a place called Albert Square. Every one lives within spitting distance of the pub, all at one time or another work, live, shag, murder, steal, cheat and bed hop with each other within “Albert Square”. Except Dot, who runs the laundrette and is a good Christian.

What ever next will the script writers come up?  How about a Cambridge/Oxford educated prolific writer who is also an investigative journalist who spends his time exposing corrupt city of London stock exchange listed companies for fraud, while building a house in Greece and running an ever burgeoning financial empire who receives death threats and runs a pizza restaurant?  Nope…. That’s really going too far!







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